A True American Horror Story....

Tomorrow is Halloween.  Since you can never get enough Halloween fun, here is another story.

It was a dark and stormy night.  Cliché … but true.  It was 3 am and a cold-front was moving in which brought moisture from the gulf, creating a long, mild thunderstorm.  It all but guaranteed cooler weather tomorrow.

Perhaps the storm woke her from her dreams.  But that didn’t feel quite right. Normally the storms were comforting, more relaxing somehow. No. Something else woke her. Something quietly nagged her. Still hidden, waiting.

She lay quietly in the dark listening to the thunder and the occasional wind burst that forced rain onto the windows.  She snuggled back down into the covers enjoying the warmth.  Yeah, she was just being silly.  Must have just been thunder.

Just as she began to drift back to sleep, as the storm seemed to strengthen, suddenly she was awake again.  She turned under the warm covers.  What had disturbed her? That same nagging, burning feeling lurked in her subconscious.  Like a sleeping giant threatening to pummel the small village.   

Instantly her vivid imagination awoke.  Was someone in the house? A ghost? Vampire? Giant alligator?  Dang, she really should stop watching all the scary movies.  Stupid Syfy!  Ok.  Think.   She lay quietly waiting for something.  A noise perhaps?  No.  Only silence.  Wait.  Was that something in the corner of the room?  She blinked, tried to focus.  The shadow appeared to move. She drew in a sudden breath just as a bolt of lightning lit up the room.  The dark thin shadow that moments before was a zombie, was merely a jacket thrown over a chair.  Not nearly as frightening as a zombie. 

She sighed, relief flooded her mind.  In the brief second it took to over-react to the zombie shadow, all her muscles were tightened into hard knots.  One by one the muscles began to relax and she managed a half smile.  How ridiculous!  Suddenly she was glad no one else was awake to know how silly she was being.  The horror movie marathons had to stop.

Well, since she was awake, she should use the bathroom.  Her aging bladder wouldn’t allow waking in the middle of the night to pass by without a quick trip to the potty.  Yet another sign that growing old stinks. 

Well, no sense in delaying.  Once she had the first thought of the need, it wouldn’t stop until she went. Experience taught her that it was best to get it over with early on. She quietly tossed the covers aside and padded into the bathroom.  The rain was hitting the windows in a more consistent rhythm now. 

Lightening brightened the room as she passed the corner where moments before the zombie stood.  Watching. Waiting.  Craving her brains.  She shook her head as her feet hit the cold tiles in the bathroom.  Her vivid imagination had gotten her good grades in school, but now she wasn’t sure it was an asset. 

She finished and began the short, but chilly trip back to her bed when she stopped.  A dark mass lay just inside the door of the bathroom. Even in the dark, she could see the long, narrow outline of the beast lying on the white tile of the bathroom. It was huge and dark in contrast to the white tile.  It coiled near the doorway, poised…ready to strike.  Her heart pounded in her throat. 

How did a huge anaconda get into our house? Our bathroom? And how did it not attack her on the way in? Wait, what? Anaconda?  Risking life and limb, she reached down and moved the black sweatpants the teenager left carelessly on the floor.  Well, as frightening as a sloppy teenager was, it as the lesser of two evils.  Tossing the anaconda to the side, she managed to find her way back to bed without fighting anymore monsters. 

Back in bed, warm and safe she began to question how any sane person would automatically jump to anacondas and zombies.  Seriously, maybe this was some sort of mental problem.  It was 3am.  She would ponder this another time. 

She snuggled back into the warm bed.  Suddenly, as if she had been struck by an unseen fist, she was thrown into a new horror.  The feeling of dread began to build from the pit of her stomach.  Oppressive, almost physical pressure began to weigh on her chest.  The zombie and anaconda scares were nothing compared to this. This was real. 

Her pulse sped up.  Breathing became difficult.  It felt as if her heart would pound out of her chest.  The fear threatened to overwhelm her.  She tried to combat the fear.  Think positive, happy thoughts, but that didn’t help.  Nothing would help drive the fear and hopelessness away. 

Her eyes widened, she clung to the covers and took in a deep breath as the awareness sank in.  In a few hours, the alarm would go off, and she would be forced to deal with reality.  This was not a drill.  Nothing would prevent this.  Best just deal with it head on.

She resigned herself that it was beyond her control. She steadied her nerves and prepared to meet the beast head on. That beast?  The shocking knowledge that today was Monday.

Oh…. The horror!

Heavy breathing.... now you know where it began... kids Halloween masks

Long, long ago, in a town far, far away, your friendly neighborhood blogger was a little girl.  And a cute one at that! 

One of my first memories of Halloween was about age 3 or 4 when I dressed in a cute princess costume and collected candy from the neighbors.  Way back when… the costumes were much simpler.  My princess costume was a blue plastic “dress”, complete with a full hard-plastic mask with eye and nose holes and a small mouth hole (which I cut my tongue on because it was waaaay too tempting to poke my tongue through).  The mask rested completely over my face and was attached with an elastic cord that was too tight.  Always… too tight or too loose. The masks were not good.  You couldn’t see thru it, when you exhaled it fogged up the inside and made your face sticky, and sounded like a big heavy-breathing monster was following you.  So why not send the little kiddies out in the dark, further obstruct their vision and breathing.  Oh… and let’s dress them in some kindling and send them to the home of strangers where they can stumble onto porches filled with open flames to beg for candy. So the question here is really … did our parents realize this or did they just not care?  Best not to poke that sleeping monster now…

On a side note, I find it mildly greatly disturbing that in order to find this example, I had to Google “vintage” Halloween mask. Vintage… seriously? 

I was led around the neighborhood where I collected a lot of candy.  (told you I was cute).  Mrs. Stevenson (not her real name…. I’m protecting her identity.  No, it’s not that I can’t remember her name… ok, yes it is) was known for her flavored popcorn balls. Because she was friends with my grandparents, she always gave me two popcorn balls AND a full-sized candy bar.  See, this narcissistic behavior is not all my fault.  Ok, yes it is. 

There was nothing better than going out with pre-teen friends trying to be “big” kids, braving the haunted house.  There were never enough street lights to take care of all those shadows.  For someone with a very vivid imagination…. It was both terrifying and thrilling to run around our small town on the most terrifying night ever.

As I grew older, my Halloween fun morphed from candy collecting to other, less savory behavior.  Because our town’s teenagers were known for their “fun” pranks, our high school clubs sold Halloween Insurance to local businesses to raise money –genius idea, really.  For minimal cashola, any shenanigans that occurred to a business’ storefront on All Hallows Eve was promptly cleaned up early the next day by very tired and grumpy band geeks.  So clearly it was our duty to use soap, shaving cream, and toilet paper and toss eggs and raw biscuits (don’t ask) all in the name of fundraising.  Gotta support the team! 

Consequently I have very fond memories of Halloween which I have tried to pass on to my girls… sans the vandalism.   (Turns out I did NOT do a good job with one daughter in that department, more on that in a later post). The Hubs does not share my love of zombie, werewolf, or vampire nor does he appreciate the pure magic of tossing an egg at someone so this job is all mine.  And I take the Halloween learnin’ very seriously. 

We carve very cool pumpkins at my house – no boring jack-o-lantern faces will do.  We make caramel apples, roast pumpkin seeds and I’ve decorated my garage in black trash bags for a dozen young basketball girls.  The light on the garage motor is still green to this day. 

I have purchased more fake spider webs, mums and pumpkins than you can imagine.  But I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.  So fast forward to 2011. 

Yesterday, I had the rare occurrence of having all three girls with me AND I had some free time. If you have teens, you understand just how rare this is.  Stinker had been asking for her Halloween costume for like a year now, so I stopped into one of those temporary Halloween stores.  You know the ones that take over the old Blockbuster for the month of October.  As I’m pulling into the store, I’m telling the girlies how fun Halloween was and the appropriate way to toss a raw biscuit.  (They only rolled their eyes a little). 

So I was quite shocked when I walked into the store.  Halloween is definitely different.  Maybe it was because I’m feeling old nostalgic that I hadn’t notice this transformation before.  The fun, non-flame retardant costumes of the olden days (shut up, I’m not THAT old… ok, yes I am) have been replaced by freak-me-out scary costumes, life-size figures that talk and move, and hussy girl costumes.  Exactly how do you make a fairy princess costume for a 6 year old horribly inappropriate?  …. Ah yes.  Fish net stockings.

Now don’t get me wrong.  This gal loves her some zombies and scary stuff…. But these were even a bit much for me.  There was an entire isle – like a long isle - of severed hands.  How many severed hands does one need? 

Yes.  As if clowns weren't creep enough... now there are zombie clown babies!  Kramer would be so  freaked right now!!!

He's blurry because he was moving.... probably trying to kill me in the store!

Yes.  Creepy zombie baby is eating his foot.

Ok.  Aside from the fact that someone would actually buy the exorcist doll.... where would one store this gal in the off-season?  Seriously... would she sit in the corner of the garage?  eeeekkkk!!!!

Send me comments on here or on the book of Face about your favorite Halloween memories.  What disturbs you about the new fangled Halloween?  You know I like attention… send me comments dang it! Which reminds me.... go and like my Facebook page. (or I'll sic creepy foot eatin' zombie baby on you!)