Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Such a loser!!!!

I know, I know.  I’ve been a total loser and haven’t blogged in like forever.  I could tell you that I started a new exercise program which has left me completely drained.  I could tell you that we have had a computer malfunction (not to be confused with a wardrobe malfunction…. Totally not the same thing) or I could tell you that I’ve had bloggers block.  All would be true, but it basically boils down to I’ve been lazy.  You wanna know the best part about having your own blog… yea… you can blog when you want.  So there you have it.  I’ll quit being so losery and do better.  Promise.  Now… on with the wonderful crap written word.
When my alarm went off this morning at the dreadful hour of 6:00 am, the first thought that ran through my mind was “you have got to be kiddin me!”.  Followed immediately by… “is there anyway I could be sick?”.  A quick self-evaluation proved that not the case.  So then I thought “If I don’t put in my contacts, I could stay in bed like three more minutes” and “I wonder how important promptness is to my job”.  Then I decided to quit being a jerk and get up.  But…. I didn’t like it. 
Despite my first thoughts of lying to stay in my warm bed, I got ready in record time and was on the road like five whole minutes early.  See … that whole no contact thing works.  I can’t see the clock, but I’m sure I’m early.
Anyway, my mornings are always rushed.  And the 25 minute drive in to work usually consists of me making sure I’ve done all the necessary things in preparation for work.  The important things like… have my phone.  Put on lipstick.  My shoes match… well, you get the idea.  This morning was no different.  And as I’m sitting at a traffic light, I realize with horror, that I’ve forgotten deodorant.  Well… that stinks. Literally…. (hahah! Get it… stinks.  Ok.  moving on with less 3rd grade humor.)
No need to panic, my second daughter (who refuses to carry a purse), leaves all kinds of things in my car and I’m positive I’d seen deodorant floating around.  Along with two gloves (neither match and their mate is missing), window scrapers, Tylenol, straw wrappers and a container of grapes (don’t ask).  I know, I know… my car may have the appearance of hotness… but simmer down.  Its all mine!
So the next light I’m digging for the deodorant and not finding it when the guy behind me honks.  Yes.  Honks because he/she has had to wait three nanoseconds at a green light.  Its not like we were three cars back and the car in front of me just started moving and really…how is gaining that second gonna get you there quicker? Whatev!!!!  So I politely wave at them.  No.. not the middle birdy wave, but a “yea. I see you, you impatient  tool … I’m moving… chill out” wave.
About two miles down the road she passes me and slows down to glare before zipping in front of me.  Wow. Mature! So I wave again.  Cuz that’s the polite thing to do, right? 
Just a bit later I catch her at the stoplight. ((it should be pointed out that she made up NO time with her impatience... just saying) She’s in the lane beside me… her anger of my irresponsibility is long gone, because she’s searching for her lighter in her purse.  At the green light.  Four cars behind her… none are happy. And one honked Yea. 
So that’s my story for today. I made it to work early.  And have deodorant in my desk – at least I hope it was deodorant… cuz I can’t see anything. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Why I'm always tired... -or- Why I should not be left alone to care for the children

Until now, most of my blogs have been about my current crazy life.  However in looking back, it appears Ive always been a tad crazy unique whatever.

So I thought you would like to hear a story from several years ago.  And its not so much that you would like it as much as its my blog. So ha!

My little one was about two years old at the time.  She was in a front facing car seat.  And by "in" I mean when she chose to stay "in" it.  She had become quite the escape artist. No joke, I had to pull the car over numerous times to wrangle her back into the seat. 

So one morning I had to take her to the babysitter and the dog had an appointment at the groomer.  So I put the dog in the car.  The Scottish terrier did not like anyone or anything, but he did appreciate a good car ride.  He would jump between the front and back seats and the side windows checking out the view.  Leaving nose prints on the windows.  Yea...Thats how I roll.

I get Stinker buckled into her car seat and it looks like we are good to go.  Then I realize I had forgotten something in the house.  I am quite certain I growled, but jumped out to retrieve said item, and yes... you guessed it. I somehow locked the keys in the car.  With baby and dog in the car.

Now the weather was not cold or hot, and we were in the garage.  The car was not running, so there was no imminent danger. As a matter of fact Stinker was thrilled to be in the car with the dog... she was smiling and pointing to him, laughing. Not unhappy or scared. The dog was happy... he was going for a ride. Front of the car, back of the car. Front of the car, back of the car. Left, right, left, right... he was thrilled.  Apparently I was the only unhappy person. 

So the Hub was about twenty or so minutes away, and once I had him headed to the rescue, I decided that perhaps the dogs hypernes could help me. Im like a domestic MacGyver that way.  So I tried to persuade him to jump to my window thinking he would step on the unlock button.  Yea.  He didn't understand why I wasn't in the car with him.  After two minutes of me calling him, clapping my hands and tapping the window he decided this was not gonna work for him and he curled up in the back seat to pout.  So now he was ticked at me. Great!  Hub was not happy and now the dog is ticked.  Oh and Im not happy!  GREAT morning!

Well, Houdini junior was in the back seat, still smiling and waving at me.my antics with the dog had been super entertaining for her. In another MacGyver moment of genius, I think that maybe I could get her to wiggle out of her car seat and unlock a door.  The child had escaped almost daily for a week... this should be no problem. Yea.  Sure nothing wrong with this theory.

So Im talking calmly to her telling her to get out of her seat. Im using my baby voice and wiggling my shoulders as a demonstration to mimicking her escape. She finds this hilarious.  I'm pointing to the button saying "push the button, push the button, honey" and she shows me her belly button.  Ok, cute but ineffective. She's giggling and laughing but NOT getting out of the car seat. Sure.  Going 70 down the highway she can worm out and hug my neck, but no... When I need her to help me out she's behaved.

At one point a neighbor drove by to stare at me hopping around in the garage, talking to a seemingly empty car. Move along, nothing to see here. Its no wonder our neighbors don't talk to us.

The end of the story is that the Hub came and unlocked the door. The dog was happy on the car ride, but very disappointed to find himself at the groomer. Turns out he's a wall hugger.  And Stinker wormed her way out of the car seat before we got out of the neighborhood.  Its no wonder Im exhausted.