Sunday, March 25, 2012

Even zombie millipedes find Laurie from Walking Dead annoying!

Less than a week after the vampire spider incident, I had another near death experience at the scene of the crime.  As I was getting ready the other morning, a millipede crawled up from the drain in the Hubs sink.  The little bugger had crawled up from somewhere and it was staring at me at 6 am.  To read of my other 6 am antics, read here.
So I promptly poured a cup of water down the sink to drown him.  A few minutes later, he was watching me put on my make-up.  Not knowing how many lives these millipedes have (cats have like nine and apparently the Kardashians have an unending supply - kinda makes you wonder doesn't it?) anyway I dumped another cup of water down the sink.  He came back moments later.
About that time, the Hubs comes in and I tell him to watch out, as clearly we have a situation brewing.  He says, “yea right” and dumps a third glass of water on Theodore. Anything that comes back from the dead that many times needs a name, right? The Hubs doesn’t have much respect for undead bugs. **sigh** I'm working on it people. 
So we don’t see Theodore for a quite a while and I assume that means he was just really good at holding his breath.  We continue to get ready and a good fifteen minutes later, he reappears.  And he looks ticked.  I mean, we have tried to kill him three times that would anger anyone.  His little antenna was flicking in a very threatening manner. Also, I swore I heard him complain about Laurie from the Walking Dead being a whiner.  Which is kinda true. 
Here's my artistic rendition:  Also as a side note, finding a picture of a millipede kinda grossed me out.  Those things are freaky.  Even before being all dead and bitey!

Then it dawns on me.  Clearly he’s a zombie.  It’s so obvious. And once again, I had to save humanity and cut his head off.  I’m like the Van Helsing of modern times – with better hair. I totally should get paid for this stuff.
I also came to another conclusion. My house is some sort of vortex for undead bugs.  I suppose that means that I should sharpen the swords, polish the leather boots and make me some wooden daggers.  All I’m saying, is this better not cut into my Hunger Games reading time.  You know, those games would have been really crazy if there were some undead bug roaming around.  Just sayin’.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Busy saving humanity....

Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’ve been busy battling undead things.  Yea.  Like in the movies.  Except less bad acting and no leather thigh high boots.
I was in the shower the other morning and I saw a spider.  I hate them almost as much as millipedes.  This was the biggest spider ever.  Like big from that really bad syfy movie with all the pretty people and bad acting where they fight alien bugs.  You know the one - Neil Patrick Harris is like a General or something and Denise Richards almost gets eaten by a huge brain sucking grub-worm looking bug (I think there could be a Charlie Sheen joke in here... but I can't do everything for your people!). Can’t remember it, but this spider made those look like babies. *****UPDATE***** Ok. Maybe it wasn’t quite that big, but it was ginormous.  It looked something like this…..

So with my cat-like reflexes and nerves of steel, I drowned the spider and watched as his lifeless body slowly slid behind one of the thousand shampoo bottles in my shower.  I finish the shower. Yea. It’s how I roll…  I’m like a robotic, professional hitman that way… bug death doesn’t affect me. 
But as I’m shaving my legs, I accidentally knick my ankle. (Definitely a typical day).  And as I’m checking out my injury, a little bit of blood drips to the shower floor.  At that VERY moment, the dead spider (or so I though) washes down to the drop of blood.
Life preserving measures took effect and I immediately recognized it as a vampire spider.  I didn’t take a photo because… well I was in the shower and that’s just weird… but it looked something like this….
FYI: Those would be bloody fangs.  Cuz, you know... the whole vampire thing.

At not even 6 am!  Yea! I know.  I’m sure there is some reasonable explanation about the transformation.  I mean.  I thought I understood the whole vampire rules thing, but now they are shimmering, mixing with werewolves and walkin’ in the sun… I just don’t know anymore. 
So to save myself and all humanity, I beheaded it and finished my shower.  As you know... beheading is the end all be all of killing the undead - everybody knows that - beheading... always go with beheading.  But, yea. I got mad vampire spider slayin’ skillz yo!
So friends, that’s why I’ve been lapse in blogging THIS week.  Someone has to keep you people safe.
***Starship Troopers!  That’s the movie!  Thanks bad syfy movie lovin friend!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

It started in Kindergarten!

Here’s more confirmation that my insanity started at a young age.
When I was five years old.  I wanted a new bike for my birthday.  I had it picked out.  It was a “big girl” bike complete with gears, a basket and those tassel things for the handle bars.  It may or may not have had a big flag.  I’ll never tell. It was blue and green and was completely and totally awesome.
So my mom, knowing me by that point (shut up… I was adorable), said that if I went to my first day of kindergarten without crying that she would get me THE bike.
Now what you have to understand, and I learned this over the next several years (and this does explain a lot), while I was an only child, I was… brace yourself… a summer birthday.  Yes.  It’s true.  While all the other kids got to celebrate their birthdays with cupcakes and treats in the classroom, I had to do a “group” party with all the other summer birthdays.  It totally sucked.  Totally.
So it just so happened that the first day of school was right after my birthday.  Therefore my mom… thinking it wise… used bribery to get me to behave.
For weeks heading into my first day of kindergarten, I got new school supplies, new clothes and new tennis shoes. This was gonna be great.  It’s totally all about me! My mom and grandma spent weeks building up this “kindergarten gig”.  So when the time came I was like pretty psyched. 
So dressed in my new clothes and shoes, I walked into this room with lots of other kids.  They were running amok.  I am an only child who hung out with only adults.  These other kids were loud.  And running around.  I instantly didn’t like it.
The teacher greeted me and my mom and showed me my cubby.  And where the carpeted kitchen/reading area was.  And while this was all fine and dandy.  I couldn’t imagine where my mom was planning on sitting.  I mean.  All the tables were small and there were only a few adults still in the room.
Then the realization hit me.  She was planning on leaving me with these kids.  Seriously? These kids were loud.  And rowdy.  And probably germy (yes.  that started early too... shut up!).  I already knew how to tie my shoe, my alphabet and to count to 40.  I certainly didn’t need to learn anything else. 
Then the first sniffling cry fell on the room.  A mom was sneaking out, leaving her wailing snotty kid behind.  Then another, then another. What would possess my mom to leave me here?  I couldn’t see a benefit at all.  I mean… now, I’m terrified.
Then, she looked at me and said.  Don’t forget, no crying or you won’t get your bike.  Well, if I had no other reason to cry, then that was it.  I bawled like a baby. Along with every other kid in the room.  Except that one kid that ate glue.  Anyway. Now that I have children of my own, I can feel for the teacher.  Although my kids all ran into the room and never looked back at me.  What the heck!!?
But for me at age five.  It was terrifying and horrible.  I don’t remember much else from the day.  Clearly I lived and somehow managed to make it through grade school, high school and college.  So apparently I “like” education.  Yet oddly enough... not a fan of loud kids and germs ... still. 
By the way.  I totally rocked that bike.  Which I got despite crying.  It’s no wonder I’m totally spoiled!