Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Zombies and creepy dudes just another day in my life...

The events of this story may or may not be factual (most likely not).  At the very minimum they are greatly over exaggerated to the point of ridiculousness.  Any similarity to zombies, humans, creepy humans or circumstances (real or fake) is purely coincidental and a bit frightening. 
In the hallway the other day, near lunch time, my friend S (who thinks its really fly to be identified by just a letter…. Kinda like Cher) stops me and says “hey, I have a zombie question for you”.  Since I am totally a zombie expert, my interests are peaked.  “You may proceed” I reply in a smug-know-it-all manner.  (I tend to get all high and mighty with my zombie knowledge).
The conversation goes nothing something  like this:
S:  “So during the zombie apocalypse, if food becomes major scarce - like no food anywhere, could/would humans eat zombie flesh to survive?”
Me: “ok, ew….”
S: “no, like those people in the mountains after the plane crash.”
Me: “ok, you realize zombie flesh is contaminated, dying flesh.  So if you ate it, you would become infected with whatever made the zombie a zombie.”
S: “yea, I guess you are right.”
Me: “obviously”  (I’m nothing if not confident in my zombie knowledge)
S: “And I suppose it’d have to be super bad circumstances to eat zombies.” 
Me: "uh, yea.... really bad... like NO FOOD bad.  Man, I am super hungry... like I could almost eat a zombie"
By this time we are in the lunch room debating what to get.  We pause to order and wait for our to-go orders.
We occupy our waiting time by observing the cafeteria chaos.  Which is, as usual, ripe with entertainment. *sigh*  But that, my friends, is another blog for another time.
After a few minutes, my food arrives and the gentleman begins to hand it over, then pauses. 
I look at him somewhat confused….and hungry. Then this conversation occurs (or not):   
Dude: “Let’s make sure this is what you ordered”
Me: “Oh, I’m sure it’s fine”
Dude: “no really, we should check”
Me:   “um, well, ok.”
..........and he opens the my to-go container.
Dude: “It’s a burger and fries.” well thank you, Mr. obvious....
Me: “ok, yep that’s my burger and fries”.  I can’t decide if he’s judging me on my poor food choice or trying to annoy me.  The second option won.
I look at my friend, who is cracking up, yet not helping at all.  Thanks “S”!  
So I take off before I can be annoyed any further.  I manage to get to my desk with my correct food.  I quickly send this email to S:
“I’m quite certain that dude totally touched my food with his tongue.  However I’m starving ... and I’m gonna eat it. Don’t judge”. 
As I'm eating my probably pawed-at food I decide that I would not eat zombie flesh no matter how hungry I get.  Gals gotta have standards, ya know. 
There you have it.  A day in the life of me.  Its sheer wonder that I’ve not been locked up yet.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Road trip entertainment:

Yesterday, I took a mini road trip through several small towns.  As usual, my attention span lasted about 10 minutes, and since we were on the road for several hours, I had a lot of time to allow my mind to wonder.  This is not necessarily a good thing.
First, I saw this:

Yes, there is a crack in the windshield. Yes, I'm a loser for not fixing it. don't judge!

What do you think is in the bags? After much consideration, I decided it was body parts. Possibly zombie body parts and the driver had dissected the zombies to curtail reanimation.  Because really, a zombie foot is easier to deal with that a full sized zombie, right?  Thank you Mr. truck driver for keeping us all safe.
Then a few minutes later I came upon this sign:

Yea.  Pee On.  So I stopped thinking about zombies and the appropriate weapon for dissecting them and what I would look like in leather pants (not good, but maybe with high boots....anyway....), and debated the pee on sign. Did it mean to literally pee on something?  Assuming that's a wrench, it must be some sort of mechanic is that a home business that someone takes your money to pee on your yard equipment? Because I don’t think urine will fix a broken lawn mower. Or, is the pee on term used to describe the mechanic?  As in “well Jim Bob, I’m just a pee on… I don’t know what that fancy, shmancy weed wackin’ device is…..”  (fill in your own snotty side comment here…..) Either way, that occupied my mind for at least a half an hour. 

Finally I came upon this:

Ok, I really didn’t see this exact image, (because we don’t live in animation domination nation!) but I did see a guy walking down the road with his cooler. And his buzz cut reminded me of Hank Hill.  Since driving and taking photos is unsafe, (because I’m nothing if not a safe driver... Shut up!), I thought this cartoon best represented the cooler dragging fella.  That and I love King of the Hill and needed a good way to bring him into this blog.  And since we are talking about Hank, here is my favorite quote from Mr. Hill: " Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!" Genius.  Has NO bearing on the post whatsoever, but it's just genius.
Anyway, I really don’t have a great ending to this post, so I will just end by wishing my awesome Aunt Dorothy a wonderful birthday! 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Nothing good ever comes from exercising!

The other morning, I got up and went for a run.  And by run, I mean glorified walk.  It’s not pretty.  Lots of huffing, puffing, whinning, red-faced and blotchy skin. Not a good look. I am also not a fan of the jiggling “parts”.  Most of the time while running, I have an ongoing monologue in my mind that goes something like this:
Man it’s hot already.
When will this jiggling stop?
I should have stretched more.
Is that a cramp in my calf?
Why is it so humid?
Yes, it’s definitely a cramp.
Can people see this jiggling?  It’s like a jello factory here!
I love jello. Oh.. I love jelly too.  Oh, and jelly bellies…. 
Should I keep going?
I think that cramp is in my toe now.
Can cramps move like that? Can one really get toe cramps?
What does a heart attack feel like?  Or is it a stroke? Which one makes toes hurt… ugh…that’s so stupid!
Maybe I should stop.  I don’t want to injure my leg or my toe.  Can you get injured from a cramp?
When does that whole “runners high” thing kick in? I think that’s bogus….bunch o’liars! And why is it so hot!?!? 

These thoughts run through my head within 3 minutes of the run.  And the rest is really all downhill.  Figuratively, not literally. 
Not to mention that I despise getting up early, so this is not one of my favorite things Oprah!  So I awake at the crack of “waaaaay too early” and put on my running gear, complete with iPod, and head out. 
But this post is not about my hatred of running or why I hate that I have to run... stupid old age.  It's really about what I suspect is a global takeover.  Picture this: 5:30 in the morning.  I’m still half asleep (as most people should be). I have the ear buds in, Pink is Raising her Glass… and this is what I see:
photo is a replication of actual bug. Accurate sizing. No bears were
harmed in the photographing of dangerous bug.

What could only be described as a bear sized praying mantis in the middle of the road.  Taking up like the whole road. This thing was huge.  Like king kong huge.  So big, in fact that not one, but two neighborhood cats were staring at it’s every move… from across the street. The rogue cats were too afraid to come near it.  The same rogue cats who poo in my flower bed, eat baby bunnies and wreak havoc on the neighborhood… were too scared to approach it!  Yea.  Unbelievable!
Freakin’ huge bug!  So I managed to walk around it, so as to avoid being mugged.  And Pink and I managed to make it a mile and ½. Good news… I did not get mugged, and when I returned it had vanished.  Cats were still there, but gigantic praying mantis monster was gone.
I have a theory that this enormous bug was sent in to keep us humans under surveillance.  I believe it may have been reporting back to the other animal conspirators.  But just a word of advice animals… sending in a ginormous bug is pretty obvious. Maybe you should consider a more covert operation. Just sayin’.
So see my friends, this is why exercise leads to no good!!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to!!!!

So.  Today is my birthday.  Growing up an only child, my birthdays were always pretty awesome.  As an adult, I have been blessed to have a wonderful husband and in-laws who have continued my good birthday traditions.  For many years, I celebrated a Birthday Month.  Wherein I would say things like “well, it’s my birthday month, and I want breakfast for dinner” or “Uh, Hub, it’s my birthday month, do we have to watch baseball again?”.  You get the idea.  However after turning 40 (boo), celebrating the entire month has lost it’s appeal. Perhaps getting older – not as fun or I’m more mature (yea, right). So since it’s my birthday, I thought I would let you all in on the weirdness that is me.  So here ya go.
·         I’ve been married to the Hub for 20 years and I still like him… for the most part.  We’re workin’ on the whole snoring thing.  And by working on I mean I’m threatening bodily injury. 
·         I have three daughters; two of which are teenagers.  So 1) I have lots of blogging material.  2) Boys are indeed icky. And 3) my girls are da bomb and they are completely and utterly awesome. Enough said. 
·         My attention span is about 5 minutes, unless it involves animal conspiracy theories or zombies, then its maybe 10.
·         I grew up in the 80’s and I like hair bands.  Yes, I know, I know. I enjoy nothing more than quizzing my kids on “who sings this song” in the car. They do not find this nearly as entertaining.  
·         I enjoy trying to figure out the plot in a movie and then telling the person with me what it is. Yes, obnoxious.  
·         Sometimes I text and drive.  I’m trying to quit, but modern technology has spoiled me, and sometimes there IS something that is THAT important. I’m working on it.
·         I have a constant running monologue in my head, and most of the time its not very pleasant.  I only share the inner monologue with a select few, and the Hub’s typical reply is “be nice.”
·         I dislike reality shows immensely.  I don’t understand for the life of me why someone would want to go on national tv and air their dirty laundry.  Seriously, isn’t that what Facebook is for ?
·         I do, however like syfy movies and oddly enough, the Spike Network. 
·         I’ve studied Criminology.  Like… A LOT, and I’m fairly certain I could commit the perfect crime and get away scott-free.  You have been warned.
·         People who pose as statues and mannequins … you know like in Vegas or the mall.  Yea.  They totally creep me out.
·         I work at an office where I am expected to behave professionally and most of my shenanigans would be frowned upon.  I blog for fun, a creative release and hopefully entertainment. That and I’m kind of an attention junkie. 
·         I’m an only child, and it is all about me.  If its not all about me, I will make it about me or I will lose interest very quickly. 
And a very special thanks for all the birthday wishes.  You guys are da bomb!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The things I go through for this blog!!!!

In a continuing effort to be a good, entertaining blogger for you, or most likely it’s to validate my attention junkie personality, I’m always on the lookout for new ideas to steal inspire me. 
The other morning on my way to work, I was listening to the radio station, and a phrase hit me as funny.  So because I’m a great driver … shut up!, I used the voice recognition feature on my phone to make a note, with the intention of writing on it that evening.   
In the phone I clearly spoke: It’s all form, and no substance.
My phone wrote: its all for a mess and no subtext. What? That’s not even close.  What subtext?. 
I tried again, and got: Italian foremen.  What’s an Italian foreman? Are Italian foremen better than American foreman?  Is that even the correct spelling?
The third attempt produced: its about forum and sex.  I have no idea what that even means.
So at the next stoplight I quickly typed out the correct phrase under all the blunders.  As I sit down tonight to blog about the great inspiration I heard.  Yea.  I have NO IDEA where I was going with it.  Dang technology!!!! (again).
So I leave you with this final thought. 
The other morning, I turned on the tv and a local station was promoting an upcoming event.  I have no idea what they were promoting, but I venture a guess that children will be crying.  Here's some blog inspiration at it's finest:

I can think of 100 things to say about creepy kitty, but I decided to let creepy kitty speak for herself.  This is my artistic interpretation. 
Sorry this blog sucks, but I blame creepy kitty.  She really freaked me out!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Finally it's here... the blog post about bathrooms!

I’ve studied in the legal field.  I’m not a lawyer, nor do I play one on tv.  Mainly because they say I can’t act, but that’s beside the point.  Bunch of hypocrites!
Given this education (since clearly it isn’t helping my acting career), I have learned that often times local authorities do things that challenge common sense.
This summer, my family was traveling across Kansas.  Exciting, yes… I know. And for those of you who have had the distinct pleasure of driving across Kansas, you know that there are places where the potty stops are few and far between.  That and that largest prairie dog thing is a total sham.  Boo!
Anyway, having traveled for quite a while, we decide to make a pit stop. Unlike Missouri, which is ripe with suitable, somewhat decent potty locations, many of the stops in Kansas are roadside rest areas.  I have always found these germy, vile, disgusting and dead bug infested. 
But given that we were limited on our choices, we decide to stop, and as we walk up to the rest area this is what we see:

No, that’s not creepy at all!  Videotaped? Really? So either someone is spying on the ladies restroom – which I seriously doubt they would announce, or it’s posted in hopes of being a deterrent.  But really, what is there to steal?  Certainly there wasn’t toilet paper, towels or soap in that dreadful bathroom. And seriously, who thinks the women’s bathroom door is THE best place for this sign? Clearly it wasn’t stopping the gang graffiti. Side note: Kansas gangbanger – what kind of shenanigans do they get into?   So it’s actually there for no reason.  Good thinking Kansas authorities!
So since I was creeped out, I thought you should be too.  You’re welcome!
And by the way, we did use the bathroom…. Don’t judge!  And just in case we were being videotaped, I announced that the bathroom was disgusting and they were out of toilet paper.  That’ll show ‘em! 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Consider this a public service announcement. I'm nothing if not helpful....

I have found the secret to all horror movies.  It doesn’t matter the circumstance or the evil foe.  It doesn’t matter location or solution needed.  Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, Evil Entities, Haunted Houses, Aliens you name it. They all have one common denominator. 
Stupid people.

You have to have a stupid person (or two) in every movie.  You have to have the stupid person to go back into the house.  You have to have the stupid person to try to rescue someone.  You have to have the stupid person who says things like “It’s gonna be ok.  All we need to do is wait right here.” Or “It’s just a little bite” or my personal favorite “I don’t think they want to hurt us, let’s just go see what they want.”
So I’ve come up with a top 10 list of things that will help the stupid survive: 
1.       If that old house you just moved into tells you to leave.  Seriously, leave.  Nothing good will come from a talking house. Ever. 
2.       The dude covered in blood is probably the killer.  So don’t trust him.  Especially if he has crazy eyes.
3.       If your buddy comes back with any bite marks.  Yea, he’s gonna turn into something.  Vampire, zombie, werewolf… you the idea.  Probably shouldn’t hang with him.
4.       When all your friends have disappeared, don’t go looking for them.  You are the next victim… seriously, get out a Dodge!
5.       If the creepy neighbor seems weird to you.  He is.  Keep away!  And never “invite” him over…. Seriously, find a non-creepy friend!
6.       If weird stuff is going on in your town, there’s no need to go investigate it.  Really, curiosity didn’t kill the complacent, couch potato cat. It killed the nosey, busy-body cat.
7.       Get a real weapon.  Knives, swords, guns.  And always go for the head.  Beheading kills most scary movie villains.  Think about it.  Vampires, werewolves, zombies… yep... can’t hurt you with no head.  I bet Jason, Freddy and Michael wouldn’t have made a billion sequels with no head.  Just sayin’.
8.       If any animals go all crazy on you, remember they are still animals.  Sharks can’t live on land no matter how smart they are.  Hello? Common sense… don’t get in the water! For further advice on animals, read this post.
9.       Don’t be slutty.  The slutty girls always get killed first.  Fact.
10.   Don’t be stupid.  Seriously, it IS that simple.

So now if you find yourself in a scary movie, you will not be one of the early casualties.  More face time!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

This should totally be titled: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh my!...But I refuse to conform!

As you have all probably figured out, I’m really close to being a conspiracy theorist.  Which is just a fancy way of saying I have a really vivid imagination – or I’m crazy – either way, I find ways to entertain myself on a daily basis.  Much of the junk stuff nuggets of pure genius will eventually make it to this blog.  However, I have to introduce it to you in small increments, so you won’t get freaked out think I’m insane.  I can’t go to an asylum – white clothing washes me out.  Well that and the whole germ thing. Ew! Missy, pace yourself!

One of (the many) theories I’m formulating is I think it’s entirely possible that the animals are plotting to take over the human race.  No, I’m not talking about your domestic animals - necessarily.  As a matter of fact, I believe my little Charlie is indeed Batman, and goes out fighting crime when he gets out of the yard sees the bat signal. 

Mainly because he roams the neighborhood terrorizing protecting the rogue cats *who better quit pooing in my flowerbeds!!!* That and I’ve NEVER seen Charlie and Batman together in the same room.  Coincidence?  I. Think. Not.
But the other animals, the non-crime fighters. They don’t like us.  I give you these examples:
·         Planet of the Apes.  Fiction or a creep insight of the future? Those opposible thumbs don’t seem so cute when they are holding guns now do they? It probably stems back to us putting them in diapers when they are babies.
·         Have you seen the look on those circus animals’ faces?  Those bears don’t want to toss a beach ball around… that’s just common sense!
·         No disrespect intended, but clearly tigers don’t like gay magician duos (just sayin’).
·         News reports recently: Alligators in pools, rogue deer attacking motorists, kangaroos boxing humans.  Chaos and anarchy abound!
Then, the kicker was when I found this:

 Seriously, it’s mayhem out there.  All I’m saying is just watch out.  And don’t trust those cute little dressed up monkeys.  They’re up to no good.