Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Fail to plan or plan to fail... or some crap

So a really good friend and I went to the opening night of the new Underworld movie. For weeks, we have looked forward to this movie.  Having seen the pervious movies several times, believing that we too could be ultimate vampire hunters, and wishfully thinking we can fit into all that black leather, the day could not have come quick enough.  My friend picked the theater with the big screen.  After having experienced this theater, during a recent Twilight fiasco that left us sitting on the front row. Where I got motion sick. Twice.  I was understandably cautious. So, I knew we needed a strategy. 
See, I am a bit, somewhat, a lot OCD, and like to go into a situation with a plan. Much like Selene, (and the boy scouts) I am always prepared.
I like having the who, what, when, where and how lined out so that there are no surprises (like sitting on the front row with the 20 year old girl talking NONSTOP during the movie, and crying when Bella “dies” Seriously, there’s another movie!  Did you NOT read the book??)  Ok.  So. I wanted to see Selena on my terms. Which was NOT the front row with the slobbering chick.
So, convinced that we needed to get to the theater early and wait in line for seats, the drive to the theater consisted of me planning our seating strategy.  When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  I was ready.  I shared the Twilight puke fest with my friend, and rolled up my sleeves.
We get there and I ask the attendant how many tickets had been sold for our movie.  She looks and says.  “I’ve sold 7”.  What?!?! NO WAY!  Well, clearly the people seeing this movie on opening night are superior and have gotten their tickets online or at the kiosk.  OR used a different attendant.  Or perhaps this attendant is lying, not knowing about the Twilight craziness. 
I was deterred but not fooled.  I continued the original plan.  My friend wanted to go eat.  A hurdle…Ok.  Well if we hurry, we can do that, but we gotta hurry.  Of course we were running later than I wanted, so I had to reassess the insanity plan of action.
On the drive back to the theater, I am in strategy mode.  If I were five, I would have ran into the theater, knocking people down and grabbed the first available seat then demanded popcorn. But people frown upon an adult woman running around like a five year old, so I had to be mature.  Dang it!  So being a great planner (read: OCD)  I mapped out the best route:  We would go get our seats then take turns getting snacks. 
By the time we got to the theater, my friend was feeling my anxiety and was agreeing to my crazy plan.  Apparently crazy is contagious.  Or it’s a lot like Stockholm syndrome without the whole kidnap and torture thing.  She was all jittery and ready to knock out (in a Selene like fashion) anyone who got in our way.
I distinctly remember thinking and possibly saying over and over “I can’t sit up front… I just can’t” as we literally raced to the theater, opened the door, rushed down the aisle.  Totally prepared to threaten teenagers to give up their seats or fake an Lycan emergency, we looked up and found….
A theater filled with twenty people.  Yea.  Turns out, all the Underworld fans went to another theater.
So, we’ll chalk this one up to the egocentric, obsessive compulsive!  Yea.  My poor friend will never go to another movie opening with me again.

Monday, January 9, 2012

And so it begins.....

So. I hope you all had a great holiday. I took some time off and enjoyed it with my friends and family. I literally did nothing for like a week. It. was. wonderful.

However. Something interesting happens when you spend extended "together" time with your family. Yea. The professionals call it insanity. So in order to spend a week and a half with the fam (three girls, two of which are teenagers and the youngest is ten going on 14.... yea... I KNOW!!!) I have become adaptive to the situation... I invoke unique coping techniques... lest I loose my ever-lovin' mind.

The hubs takes the "watch sports 24/7 technique", which results in said teenagers rolling their eyes and leaving. Me, well I tried napping, but teenagers don't appreciate the sheer beauty of the afternoon nap. I tried hiding... but turns out teenagers are resourceful and smart. SO this past holiday, I found a great, new coping technique. I call it.... obnoxious mom. Yea... I'm like a pro already!

The beauty of obnoxious mom is the said teenager will eventually roll their eyes and walk away. Singing loudly in the car, trying to be "hip and happening" with their friends, writing sweet memories of their childhood on their Facebook page, and threatening to make them join me at Walmart are a few examples.

However effective, one has to use this new power with caution, as a the teens can turn the tables. I call it... obnoxious teen. Here's an example... the following conversation took place with my oldest daughter.

Bugz: Can I borrow a headband? (Understand that this is how teens show love... I buy hair stuff... they use it, then lose it before I can. You know.... love.)

Me: It will cost you five bucks. And you have to let me name your first born. I like Penelope Swifferton.

Bugz: Ha. Ok. (wow... way TOO easy, I should have tried hiding again).

Me: How about Smoochy McGiggletart?

Bugz: Tart. Fart. One mistake and the kid is picked on for life. (yea... that's the biggest concern here).

Me: Yea. I see your point. Ok. How bout Sparkly Kenzington?

Bugz: Maybe. How about Frederick McBeddington?

Me: Ok??? (what's wrong with Sparkly?) Hmm.....kinda rhymie isn't it?

Bugz: Uh. No. It sounds like an upper east side New York journalist.

Me: Ok. I can get behind that. But what if he’s a doctor. Dr. McBeddington sounds like a bad sitcom on ABC Family. Or a muppet. Or worse... a 70's adult movie star... yuck. You cannot name your kid after a muppet.

Bugz: Ok. We’ll find another snooty name.

Me: Yea. That one's pretty much ruined now. Darn my ingenuity!

So I suppose we can only hope that her future husband is more influential that I am.... but....my secret plan... I'll totally give that kid a rockin' nickname. Plus one can only hope that her child will also invoke obnoxious teen to counteract her shenanigans. Its the circle of life.