Monday, November 28, 2011

Why I can start all over with Angry Birds...

Good news: I get to start all over with Angry Birds.  Bad News: I lost about three hours of my life....

So this year I went Black Friday shopping.  Which isn’t really accurate because I went on Thursday night… so technically it wasn’t Friday… although it felt very “black”.  Anyway, normally I would never-ever-ever-never participate in the weirdness.  I mean, Wal-Mart is crazy enough on a normal day let alone on a day that people use pepper spray to get sale items. But there was a gift that we needed and it was really a good sale.  Plus I do love a challenge, need blogging material, so Bugz and I trudged out at 9:45 to Wal-Mart in search of the item. 

Thinking we needed caffeine to make it through the madness (caffeine being a proven deterrent for being trampled), we drove to the local McDonalds only to find that it was not open.  Seriously. Wasn’t open.  That stupid clown cashes in on every loose penny available and hasn’t figured out Black Friday shopping is a gold mine! Whateve!

So sans coffee, we tentatively drove to the store where the only description applicable is utter, mass chaos.  We parked two parking lots away and made it to the back of the store with only getting blasted twice. I witnessed not one but two instances where watching piranhas fight over a wildebeest looked civilized.

We finally found the item we were looking for and we had just under two hours to wait for it to go on sale.  It’s kinda like a police stakeout except without a comfortable car, coffee and guns.  Oh… and we were in Wal-Mart.  I won’t go into the boring details; I’ll just give you this: We waited.  In a make-shift “line” that wove through the women’s underwear isle. With a ticket which guaranteed we got the item, but only if we did not leave said “line” – not even for a potty break.  Leo, aka the line Nazi, said he’d give me a break on the potty thing lest I lose my spot and have to forfeit my golden ticket.  Which wasn’t golden or a ticket, unless you count a white piece of typing paper with some numbers on it a ticket.   However, Leo would also not answer my question as to why; if we had a “guarantee” ticket did we have to wait for midnight.  Nor would Leo accept a bribe to let me get the item and go home to my warm bed.  Leo sucked.

Because I’m always optimistic and sunshiny (shut up, I am dangit!), I try to always learn from my experiences and share with you folks.  I am a giver. So here are a few things I learned whilst Black Friday shopping:
·         Just because its 10:00 pm, does not give you the automatic right to wear pajama pants out in public.  No, not even holiday ones with Garfield in a Santa hat. And no spandex granny…Ever!
·         If you are bold enough to get a scooter from the front of the store, at least look like you need it.  Do not hop off, dart down the aisle, grab the last Lego set from spandexed granny, jump back on the scooter and peal out on two wheels to the next sales rack.
·         Just because we wait in line together for two hours does not mean I want to know your life story, what you are purchasing, and why you are purchasing it.  You should also know that we may be line neighbors, but I will not spare you a trampling if you get in my way.
·         Turns out that whole crowd mentality thing… truth.  I could barely control the urge to rush up and start grabbing ugly photo frames when the sales began simply because the other gazillion people were grabbing them. 
·         There is surprisingly little to do while waiting in line in the women’s underwear aisle.  I know, shocking!  And apparently Wal-Mart frowns upon getting a sleeping bag from the camping aisle, a microwave from housewares and making up some popcorn for the wait. Given that attitude, I didn’t even bother asking about the tv, blue ray and a movie. 
·         I believe I could be the pepper spray lady if given the right deal.  No really.  Everyone’s all outraged but probably because she thought of it first. 
·         Its good to have a skinny daughter with you.  She can squeeze through tight spaces and save you some spots in line – or under the aisle if necessary. (don’t ask).
·         And finally, hear me now peeps.  If you drop your smart phone on the concrete floor in Wal-Mart, at midnight on Black Friday.  It will break.  And every time this happens, somewhere a Christmas angel chokes on eggnog.

The good news is that with the new phone, I was able to replay all of the angry birds games!  It almost makes up for losing EVERYTHING else. J

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I'm like a super hero of public service announcements... but without the unflattering tights and metal undies!

Does it bother anyone else that the recent Emergency Broadcasting Alert test failed?  This is the system that will (or not) warn the country in the event of a national emergency. Not only did the test fail, but some people only got part of the alert and the background music was Lady Gaga.  Yeah… for reals.   
Now I don’t claim to be an expert in Emergency Broadcasting (I simply haven’t had the time what with my ADD, the Walking Dead and these new books, otherwise I’d so rule that system) but shouldn’t this be a bigger priority as opposed to, oh, I don’t know…. Discussing  those stupid Kardashians AGAIN?  Seriously, I wanna chew off my own arm!!!   
What will happen during the zombie apocalypse if the system fails?  Clearly we cannot trust the government here….I mean… l do enjoy me some Gaga, but I don’t think she will deter the dead hordes as they take over the country.  I’m not even sure Gaga’s human.  I mean, really, who knows? But one thing I am certain of is that she won’t be helpful in this trying time.  Well, not unless she wears that creepy meat suit, then the zombies would probably be all about that.   
So clearly the government won’t be of any help during the zombie crisis, so here are a few ways to know if you are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  Go ahead, you can thank me now….
·         You wake up to find your neighbor standing in your kitchen in her robe and she tries to chew off your arm without even a “hello”.  It’s worse if she’s wearing YOUR robe then tries to bite you. That’s just rude.
·         Strangers try to give you strong, yet terribly inappropriate “back hugs”.
·         The entire album from the People of Walmart website is now reality in your neighborhood Walmart… but with lots more blood.
·         The lazy, stoner kid down the road is actually up and moving before three in the afternoon.
·         Your teenagers want to stay home and hang out with you.
·         You have the inexplicable urge to dress in black leather and carry a huge sword like Alice from Resident Evil and go out and kick some undead butt.  
·         Several coworkers show up in the same clothes they wore the day before.  Warning, they could just be fashion challenged, so know your audience. Hint… uniforms are not the same thing, so don’t try to take out the kids at McDonalds.
·         The studio audience turns on Dr. Phil and dog piles him on stage, ripping him limb from limb.  Warning, this could be normal behavior, again…know your audience.
·          And finally, if you find yourself barricaded in a mall and Mekhi Phifer’s pregnant wife is about to deliver a zombie, devil baby….you are smack dab in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.
So now you know the warning signs.  See… you don’t need no stinkin’ warning system, (for more PSA's click here and here) you have me!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  And remember that the people across the table from you are most likely NOT zombies.... most likely. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Guess what? I'm going to Hawaii.....ok, maybe not. Stupid morals!

So last week I posted about my on-going struggle with finding blog topics.  I blamed my ADD, my new book series and a new tv show as the reason for this lack of inspiration.  Plus Walking Dead is back on, and it’s so hard to concentrate on blogging when Rick and the gang are running from zombies.  Anyway, turns out none of those things are the demise of my creativity.  Yep.  None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.  Turns out my whole family, fearing being the topic of a post, had basically cut me off from their normal shenanigans.  Yes, friends… it’s true.  They are stifling my creativity. Bunch of phonies! 
Which is actually kinda funny, because I’ll just make up stuff that they say or do… I have to qualms about that. It’s like they don’t know me.  AT. ALL!
But because I am nothing if not devoted to you my fellow readers – all five of you – I have fought through the ADD that is me and pulled this out for you.  This is an email exchange between me and the hubs after a friend posted her vacation pics on facebook.  Or… this could be a total fabrication of my mind.  See, it’s like a murder mystery without death or gratuitous nude scenes. 
Me: I want to go to Hawaii.
Hubs: So go.
Me: I want you to go with me… hello?  And I want to zip line while we are there.  After we helicopter over the volcanoes, go see those dolphins, and attend at least two dinners where those people dance.
Hubs: What people?
Me: The dancers.  You know, the barefeet, flower necklaces…. The dancers.
Hubs: You mean hula dancers?
Me: Yea. that’s it.  I want to be entertained while eating weird food.  Hula dancers.  Wait.  Is that the proper term? That’s not derogatory is it?  Maybe its hula peoples?  Hula folk? Anyway, that’s what I want to see.  Done.
Hubs: Well you just figure out where the money comes from and off we go.
Me: Are you opposed to selling yourself for additional income?
Hubs: yes.
Me: Cocaine mule?
Hubs: That’s just rude.
Me: It’s not rude.  I just need to know how badly you want me to go to Hawaii.  Clearly by your response, not very much.
So.  The take-away here is that the Hubs isn’t willing to do anything illegal to get me to Hawaii, I don’t need to observe shenanigans to blog about it, and I really should stop watching so much tv. Oh, and clearly my ADD has now reached need-professional-help level.  Well.  That’s just GGGGGGGGGGGGGGreat!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The post will confirm that I do indeed need a padded room!

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with motivation lately.  I’m not sure if it’s my ADD, aliens, the new series American Horror or if there’s something wrong with me (I do not need your opinions on this last one).  Normally, I have all kinds of ideas on blogging, and oftentimes can’t type quick enough for my brain to process them, however the last week or so I’ve had bits and pieces run through my head, but nothing I could expand on.  Well, nothing that you would find interesting.  Unless of course I can interest you in a post on why I wish there were ghosts that would do the laundry and clean house or how long is too long to leave your moldy, decaying Halloween pumpkins out.  Or maybe you’d like the post on how I find men who wear fedora hats creepy or how I spent an hour wondering if David Hasselhoff had plastic surgery and if so, what kind. At any rate, you can see how I’m low on motivation.  So I decided that I would make this post just about the bits and pieces that occur to me.
For some reason, the Ghostbuster theme music has been playing through my head.  I have NO idea why, but seriously it is.  Like all day today.  Yet, I have no one to call for this little emergency. Hmmmm….
I’ve been reading a book series that I CANNOT put down.  Seriously, I can’t put it down.  Message me and I’ll give you the details, but trust me it is GOOD!  So good, in fact, that I blame it for my lack of motivation.  Seriously, it’s ruining my ability to do anything.  It’s like when I went through that mild depression after reading the Twilight series.  I was actually depressed that I Bella, Edward and Jacob were going to live out their immortal lives without me!  Anyway, the new series is about vampires, werewolves and zombies.  Now I have decided I want a were-panther as a pet. 
The other day in a meeting, as I was trying to look interested, I found myself smack-dab in the middle of an Ally McBeal moment.  Not the creepy dancing baby… that was just way weird.  In this moment, I envisioned hopping up on the desk and taking out everyone else in the room.  It was a brief moment, but it helped me focus on the meeting… ok… not really, but it was kinda fun.
creepy dancing baby.... eek!
Then to top it off, yesterday the Hubs and I were attacked my mothra in our own home!  Yes.  This huge moth kept dive bombing us.  I think it was attracted to my awesomeness, but I can’t have that kinda disrespect in my own home, so mothra was destroyed.  Gotta set the tone, yo!
So I guess what I’m saying here is that if you don’t think I need my own padded room right now, should possible check yourselves.