Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Spam stalkers and land sharks.... no connection whatsoever!!!

Last year, I made a valiant attempt to clean out our family email inbox.  On a daily basis, we received no fewer than 25 emails, and about 23.5 of them were junk.  Anything from restaurant promos to banks owned by Arabian Princes who needed my American dollars for surgery for their poor, dying mothers.  Question: why don’t the hospitals in Arabia not take Arabian money?  And a queen doesn’t have money for surgery?  Hmmmm…. Sounds fishy to me.  
Did you know that most spam ads hit your inbox between midnight and 5 am?  And did you know that you can’t separate junk from important emails on most smart phones, so notifications come in at all hours of the night and naptimes?  Did you know I like to sleep during midnight and 5 am ... and I loves me some naptime?  So you see the problem.
So I was knee deep in ads that promise to enlarge certain body parts, and I realize there is no good way to do this. I decided to start a new email, and use the old one for “junk” emails.  I immediately instructed the Hub that he was not to give out the new email to anyone who would send us spam.
He promptly gave the new email out to not one but two softball groups who send at least one spam email per day.
Then I gave our new email to Coach.  Because, hello…. I definitely want to know immediately when there’s a sale!  Uh, it’s Coach!!!!
Then it sorta went downhill from there.
So we are kinda back to square one with the spam.  Except lately it’s been getting kinda mean, rude and stupid.  I present these examples:
·         AT&T wants me to switch to their internet service.  Wait, you mean the AT&T internet service I’m currently using to read your stupid email?
·         One group tells me that psychologists are important.  Wait... what?
·         The subject line reading: What are you waiting for?  Uh, a nicer email.
·         We know what you’re looking for.  That’s all kinds of creepy…creepy like when Coach Beast on Glee talks about her lady parts.
·         What do we have to do to earn your business?  Well, stop sending stalkerish emails three times a day for starters.
·         We know what you are looking for in discounted funeral services.  Wait… what are you saying, who said I was looking and discounted services? Really? Dang, now I feel old!
So I’m being stalked once again by spam. Oddly enough, I’m not surprised.  So I leave you with a picture of my favorite SNL skit Landshark.  There is absolutely no reason for this picture, other than it makes me happy.

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