Finally it's here... the blog post about bathrooms!

I’ve studied in the legal field.  I’m not a lawyer, nor do I play one on tv.  Mainly because they say I can’t act, but that’s beside the point.  Bunch of hypocrites!

Given this education (since clearly it isn’t helping my acting career), I have learned that often times local authorities do things that challenge common sense.

This summer, my family was traveling across Kansas.  Exciting, yes… I know. And for those of you who have had the distinct pleasure of driving across Kansas, you know that there are places where the potty stops are few and far between.  That and that largest prairie dog thing is a total sham.  Boo!

Anyway, having traveled for quite a while, we decide to make a pit stop. Unlike Missouri, which is ripe with suitable, somewhat decent potty locations, many of the stops in Kansas are roadside rest areas.  I have always found these germy, vile, disgusting and dead bug infested. 

But given that we were limited on our choices, we decide to stop, and as we walk up to the rest area this is what we see:

No, that’s not creepy at all!  Videotaped? Really? So either someone is spying on the ladies restroom – which I seriously doubt they would announce, or it’s posted in hopes of being a deterrent.  But really, what is there to steal?  Certainly there wasn’t toilet paper, towels or soap in that dreadful bathroom. And seriously, who thinks the women’s bathroom door is THE best place for this sign? Clearly it wasn’t stopping the gang graffiti. Side note: Kansas gangbanger – what kind of shenanigans do they get into?   So it’s actually there for no reason.  Good thinking Kansas authorities!

So since I was creeped out, I thought you should be too.  You’re welcome!

And by the way, we did use the bathroom…. Don’t judge!  And just in case we were being videotaped, I announced that the bathroom was disgusting and they were out of toilet paper.  That’ll show ‘em! 

Consider this a public service announcement. I'm nothing if not helpful....

I have found the secret to all horror movies.  It doesn’t matter the circumstance or the evil foe.  It doesn’t matter location or solution needed.  Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, Evil Entities, Haunted Houses, Aliens you name it. They all have one common denominator. 

Stupid people.

image from here

You have to have a stupid person (or two) in every movie.  You have to have the stupid person to go back into the house.  You have to have the stupid person to try to rescue someone.  You have to have the stupid person who says things like “It’s gonna be ok.  All we need to do is wait right here.” Or “It’s just a little bite” or my personal favorite “I don’t think they want to hurt us, let’s just go see what they want.”

So I’ve come up with a top 10 list of things that will help the stupid survive: 

1.       If that old house you just moved into tells you to leave.  Seriously, leave.  Nothing good will come from a talking house. Ever. 

2.       The dude covered in blood is probably the killer.  So don’t trust him.  Especially if he has crazy eyes.

3.       If your buddy comes back with any bite marks.  Yea, he’s gonna turn into something.  Vampire, zombie, werewolf… you the idea.  Probably shouldn’t hang with him.

4.       When all your friends have disappeared, don’t go looking for them.  You are the next victim… seriously, get out a Dodge!

5.       If the creepy neighbor seems weird to you.  He is.  Keep away!  And never “invite” him over…. Seriously, find a non-creepy friend!

6.       If weird stuff is going on in your town, there’s no need to go investigate it.  Really, curiosity didn’t kill the complacent, couch potato cat. It killed the nosey, busy-body cat.

7.       Get a real weapon.  Knives, swords, guns.  And always go for the head.  Beheading kills most scary movie villains.  Think about it.  Vampires, werewolves, zombies… yep... can’t hurt you with no head.  I bet Jason, Freddy and Michael wouldn’t have made a billion sequels with no head.  Just sayin’.

8.       If any animals go all crazy on you, remember they are still animals.  Sharks can’t live on land no matter how smart they are.  Hello? Common sense… don’t get in the water! For further advice on animals, read this post.

9.       Don’t be slutty.  The slutty girls always get killed first.  Fact.

10.   Don’t be stupid.  Seriously, it IS that simple.

So now if you find yourself in a scary movie, you will not be one of the early casualties.  More face time!

This should totally be titled: Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh my!...But I refuse to conform!

As you have all probably figured out, I’m really close to being a conspiracy theorist.  Which is just a fancy way of saying I have a really vivid imagination – or I’m crazy – either way, I find ways to entertain myself on a daily basis.  Much of the junk stuff nuggets of pure genius will eventually make it to this blog.  However, I have to introduce it to you in small increments, so you won’t get freaked out think I’m insane.  I can’t go to an asylum – white clothing washes me out.  Well that and the whole germ thing. Ew! Missy, pace yourself!

Anyway…

One of (the many) theories I’m formulating is I think it’s entirely possible that the animals are plotting to take over the human race.  No, I’m not talking about your domestic animals - necessarily.  As a matter of fact, I believe my little Charlie is indeed Batman, and goes out fighting crime when he gets out of the yard sees the bat signal. 

Mainly because he roams the neighborhood terrorizing protecting the rogue cats *who better quit pooing in my flowerbeds!!!* That and I’ve NEVER seen Charlie and Batman together in the same room.  Coincidence?  I. Think. Not.

But the other animals, the non-crime fighters. They don’t like us.  I give you these examples:

·         Planet of the Apes.  Fiction or a creep insight of the future? Those opposible thumbs don’t seem so cute when they are holding guns now do they? It probably stems back to us putting them in diapers when they are babies.

·         Have you seen the look on those circus animals’ faces?  Those bears don’t want to toss a beach ball around… that’s just common sense!

·         No disrespect intended, but clearly tigers don’t like gay magician duos (just sayin’).

·         News reports recently: Alligators in pools, rogue deer attacking motorists, kangaroos boxing humans.  Chaos and anarchy abound!

Then, the kicker was when I found this:

 Seriously, it’s mayhem out there.  All I’m saying is just watch out.  And don’t trust those cute little dressed up monkeys.  They’re up to no good.