Sunday, August 7, 2011

Consider this a public service announcement. I'm nothing if not helpful....

I have found the secret to all horror movies.  It doesn’t matter the circumstance or the evil foe.  It doesn’t matter location or solution needed.  Vampires, Zombies, Werewolves, Evil Entities, Haunted Houses, Aliens you name it. They all have one common denominator. 
Stupid people.

You have to have a stupid person (or two) in every movie.  You have to have the stupid person to go back into the house.  You have to have the stupid person to try to rescue someone.  You have to have the stupid person who says things like “It’s gonna be ok.  All we need to do is wait right here.” Or “It’s just a little bite” or my personal favorite “I don’t think they want to hurt us, let’s just go see what they want.”
So I’ve come up with a top 10 list of things that will help the stupid survive: 
1.       If that old house you just moved into tells you to leave.  Seriously, leave.  Nothing good will come from a talking house. Ever. 
2.       The dude covered in blood is probably the killer.  So don’t trust him.  Especially if he has crazy eyes.
3.       If your buddy comes back with any bite marks.  Yea, he’s gonna turn into something.  Vampire, zombie, werewolf… you the idea.  Probably shouldn’t hang with him.
4.       When all your friends have disappeared, don’t go looking for them.  You are the next victim… seriously, get out a Dodge!
5.       If the creepy neighbor seems weird to you.  He is.  Keep away!  And never “invite” him over…. Seriously, find a non-creepy friend!
6.       If weird stuff is going on in your town, there’s no need to go investigate it.  Really, curiosity didn’t kill the complacent, couch potato cat. It killed the nosey, busy-body cat.
7.       Get a real weapon.  Knives, swords, guns.  And always go for the head.  Beheading kills most scary movie villains.  Think about it.  Vampires, werewolves, zombies… yep... can’t hurt you with no head.  I bet Jason, Freddy and Michael wouldn’t have made a billion sequels with no head.  Just sayin’.
8.       If any animals go all crazy on you, remember they are still animals.  Sharks can’t live on land no matter how smart they are.  Hello? Common sense… don’t get in the water! For further advice on animals, read this post.
9.       Don’t be slutty.  The slutty girls always get killed first.  Fact.
10.   Don’t be stupid.  Seriously, it IS that simple.

So now if you find yourself in a scary movie, you will not be one of the early casualties.  More face time!

1 comment:

Feel free to leave a comment... but beward, you may need your own padded room... just saying...