Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I'm like a super hero of public service announcements... but without the unflattering tights and metal undies!

Does it bother anyone else that the recent Emergency Broadcasting Alert test failed?  This is the system that will (or not) warn the country in the event of a national emergency. Not only did the test fail, but some people only got part of the alert and the background music was Lady Gaga.  Yeah… for reals.   
Now I don’t claim to be an expert in Emergency Broadcasting (I simply haven’t had the time what with my ADD, the Walking Dead and these new books, otherwise I’d so rule that system) but shouldn’t this be a bigger priority as opposed to, oh, I don’t know…. Discussing  those stupid Kardashians AGAIN?  Seriously, I wanna chew off my own arm!!!   
What will happen during the zombie apocalypse if the system fails?  Clearly we cannot trust the government here….I mean… l do enjoy me some Gaga, but I don’t think she will deter the dead hordes as they take over the country.  I’m not even sure Gaga’s human.  I mean, really, who knows? But one thing I am certain of is that she won’t be helpful in this trying time.  Well, not unless she wears that creepy meat suit, then the zombies would probably be all about that.   
So clearly the government won’t be of any help during the zombie crisis, so here are a few ways to know if you are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  Go ahead, you can thank me now….
·         You wake up to find your neighbor standing in your kitchen in her robe and she tries to chew off your arm without even a “hello”.  It’s worse if she’s wearing YOUR robe then tries to bite you. That’s just rude.
·         Strangers try to give you strong, yet terribly inappropriate “back hugs”.
·         The entire album from the People of Walmart website is now reality in your neighborhood Walmart… but with lots more blood.
·         The lazy, stoner kid down the road is actually up and moving before three in the afternoon.
·         Your teenagers want to stay home and hang out with you.
·         You have the inexplicable urge to dress in black leather and carry a huge sword like Alice from Resident Evil and go out and kick some undead butt.  
·         Several coworkers show up in the same clothes they wore the day before.  Warning, they could just be fashion challenged, so know your audience. Hint… uniforms are not the same thing, so don’t try to take out the kids at McDonalds.
·         The studio audience turns on Dr. Phil and dog piles him on stage, ripping him limb from limb.  Warning, this could be normal behavior, again…know your audience.
·          And finally, if you find yourself barricaded in a mall and Mekhi Phifer’s pregnant wife is about to deliver a zombie, devil baby….you are smack dab in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.
So now you know the warning signs.  See… you don’t need no stinkin’ warning system, (for more PSA's click here and here) you have me!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  And remember that the people across the table from you are most likely NOT zombies.... most likely. 

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