Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Nothing good ever comes from exercising!

The other morning, I got up and went for a run.  And by run, I mean glorified walk.  It’s not pretty.  Lots of huffing, puffing, whinning, red-faced and blotchy skin. Not a good look. I am also not a fan of the jiggling “parts”.  Most of the time while running, I have an ongoing monologue in my mind that goes something like this:
Man it’s hot already.
When will this jiggling stop?
I should have stretched more.
Is that a cramp in my calf?
Why is it so humid?
Yes, it’s definitely a cramp.
Can people see this jiggling?  It’s like a jello factory here!
I love jello. Oh.. I love jelly too.  Oh, and jelly bellies…. 
Should I keep going?
I think that cramp is in my toe now.
Can cramps move like that? Can one really get toe cramps?
What does a heart attack feel like?  Or is it a stroke? Which one makes toes hurt… ugh…that’s so stupid!
Maybe I should stop.  I don’t want to injure my leg or my toe.  Can you get injured from a cramp?
When does that whole “runners high” thing kick in? I think that’s bogus….bunch o’liars! And why is it so hot!?!? 

These thoughts run through my head within 3 minutes of the run.  And the rest is really all downhill.  Figuratively, not literally. 
Not to mention that I despise getting up early, so this is not one of my favorite things Oprah!  So I awake at the crack of “waaaaay too early” and put on my running gear, complete with iPod, and head out. 
But this post is not about my hatred of running or why I hate that I have to run... stupid old age.  It's really about what I suspect is a global takeover.  Picture this: 5:30 in the morning.  I’m still half asleep (as most people should be). I have the ear buds in, Pink is Raising her Glass… and this is what I see:
photo is a replication of actual bug. Accurate sizing. No bears were
harmed in the photographing of dangerous bug.

What could only be described as a bear sized praying mantis in the middle of the road.  Taking up like the whole road. This thing was huge.  Like king kong huge.  So big, in fact that not one, but two neighborhood cats were staring at it’s every move… from across the street. The rogue cats were too afraid to come near it.  The same rogue cats who poo in my flower bed, eat baby bunnies and wreak havoc on the neighborhood… were too scared to approach it!  Yea.  Unbelievable!
Freakin’ huge bug!  So I managed to walk around it, so as to avoid being mugged.  And Pink and I managed to make it a mile and ½. Good news… I did not get mugged, and when I returned it had vanished.  Cats were still there, but gigantic praying mantis monster was gone.
I have a theory that this enormous bug was sent in to keep us humans under surveillance.  I believe it may have been reporting back to the other animal conspirators.  But just a word of advice animals… sending in a ginormous bug is pretty obvious. Maybe you should consider a more covert operation. Just sayin’.
So see my friends, this is why exercise leads to no good!!!

1 comment:

  1. I love your posts.....they crack me up! Keep it up :)


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